How resentment affects a relationship
How does resentment show up in the relationship?
Resentment is a rather complex emotion and due to its complexity, it can develop in a variety of ways. In a romantic relationship resentment often feels like a nagging at the back of your mind that is constantly playing negative feelings or thoughts towards your partner and their intentions. Sometimes you might not even be aware that it is resentment you are experiencing but you have definitely assumed that your partner has acted with malice or will in the future. Perhaps you assume their intentions aren’t pure. Resentment also feels like bitterness towards someone or how they behave or think. It can feel like having been wronged. Perhaps continuously wronged or ignored. It can develop from a cocktail of emotions such as anger, sadness, disappointment or betrayal.
Sometimes resentment doesn’t present itself as negative thoughts towards your partner but instead a mistrust towards them that is driven by repeated past incidents. The overall nature of your feelings towards your partner is like the balance scale has tipped and it is not in your favour. Your partner or their actions have put you in a position that you do not feel comfortable being in or find unjust or unsatisfying.
How does resentment build?
Often times resentment will present itself when there are unmet expectations in the relationship or when you feel pressured to do things you don’t want to do. If you feel that you have to give up parts of yourself or your wishes or abandon yourself, it is possible that you may resent your partner for it. This can be difficult to figure out sometimes because it requires knowing yourself well enough to identify what is truly bothering you and what is an otherwise reasonable expectation.
Another tricky thing is that resentment is not always caused by your partners actions. Sometimes you experience resentment towards someone else by your own hand. There is a difference between:
constantly asking your partner to pick up the slack at home and inviting conversation for how to split up responsibilities, offering guidance, holding back on the criticism and overall creating a warm space to communicate and still not receiving the help you need vs
never letting them know that you absolutely adore receiving souvenirs when people travel and resenting your partner for not bringing you one after their last trip.
The former is filled with attempts at communication and problem solving. The latter is having an expectation or desire and not communicating it. In either situation it is possible for resentment to creep in. In the latter example, the resentment has a lot more to do with how you handled the situation and your ability to express yourself than it has anything to do with what your partner has failed to do. In both dynamics you may not feel prioritized or loved. Perhaps you wish they could just do better.
How does resentment impact the relationship?
The impact of resentment often starts with distance. You may find yourself not sharing certain things because they “wouldn’t get it” or “what would be the point”. You already know how they will react. This distance often breeds further resentment. You may begin to feel isolated and wish you could share with someone what matters to you and receive the support you need. The deeper resentment runs and the more it starts to pile on, the worse your treatment of your partner will be. Usually next to follow are aggressions and criticisms. At this point, it is very likely that your partner is also starting to harbour some difficult feelings towards you. When you bring something up, they might become snippy. Each conversation can carry the weight of becoming a nasty fight with neither one of you feeling heard. I am sure you can see where this is heading.
Many relationships do find their end due to the buildup of resentment if repair is not made in the relationship. As we discussed earlier, this resentment may build due to repeated failed requests. It can also start from your own personal perceptions and assumptions of your partner but become worse when there is added distance and hostility towards your partner.
In my experience working with clients, it is often a combination of both.
We are all still building relational skills and learning how to properly ask something of our partners and how to express ourselves constructively when we feel wronged. Some of us are still learning that it is ok to allow ourselves to even experience anger or dissatisfaction.
Can resentment be fixed?
The bitterness of a lot of resentment can be soothed. It can become manageable and we can learn to move past it. Perhaps even fully let it go. If reading this article has started to make your palms sweat, fear not, that tightly weaved ball of complex issues and pains can be detangled.
One of the biggest antidotes against resentment is compassion. It is inviting someone to express themselves and offering compassion for their experience. Part of what drives resentment is the negative thoughts or feelings. Airing out those feelings and having them be heard and understood can be therapeutic. If you missed date night multiple times in a row, your partner may experience sadness and a touch of betrayal that you are not showing up for the relationship. If you do not invite them to express themselves but instead try to move away from the conversation because “you feel bad enough already”, it is likely they will also feel shut down and resentment will creep in. If you have done wrong or put someone in a less than desirable situation, create space for them to express themselves. This requires that you do not then start to make the conversation about yourself. Showing compassion is especially important in situations where you cannot immediately change the dynamic you are in. This brings me to my next point, if someone feels wronged, they need to know that they will not be in this situation again.
Handling resentment means showing your partner that you have not only understood the position they are in but are willing to do differently. You are willing to take necessary action so that they feel supported. This would be the equivalent of trying to tip the scale back to balance. Even in situations where your partner failed to communicate their expectations, it is still possible for you to be a part of the solution by letting them know that you would be happy to be there for them in the ways that they need. This can also invite them to express themselves in a more constructive manner.
Resentment can definitely have negative impact on a relationship, but it does not have to be a permanent resident in your relationship. As long as there are two willing participants, it is possible to come back from resentment. If you know that resentment exists in your relationship, treat it more like a sign that indicates maintenance is required rather than a sign of relationship failure.
