How to get over a break up
Before I even get into the tools and tips in this article for how to get over a breakup, I want to start by acknowledging that breakups are hard. They can feel physically painful and they can take many months to fully recover from with highs and lows along the way. If you are still recovering from a breakup and it feels like it’s been forever, start by acknowledging that it’s totally normal! Even if it was not a very long relationship, it can still take a long time if the attachment was there.
To better understand why breakups feel so painful you can learn all about the science behind breakups and heartache in my previous article conveniently titled ‘Why does a breakup hurt so much’?
Now that you have taken a moment to acknowledge that breakups are universally a really painful experience and that they take time to recover from, let’s talk about some ways that you can help yourself with this process.
On a similar vein to acknowledging that it takes time is also acknowledging and appreciating that many feelings will come up with differing intensities.
“It is completely normal to feel shock, anger, sadness, longing and even denial”
When someone says “feel your feelings” what they mean is try to identify the emotion or emotions that you are experiencing in that moment. See if you can name it and then start to pay attention to your body. Where in your body are you experiencing these emotions? Is your stomach tense, is your chest tight and your breathing shallow? The purpose of going through this process is to actually allow your emotions to flow through you and exist without attempting to squander them and to bottle them up. It is part of the process of letting them go.
As you “feel your feelings” the most important part is to actually show compassion for yourself. Speak to yourself as you would to an innocent child going through something really hard. In this case, that child is you. What would you say to little you? Some suggestions might be: “I’m sorry that this feels so painful right now, I will stay here with you through it” or “I am really proud of you for getting out of bed today and trying something new, I know how difficult this has been for you”. Self-compassion is about acknowledging that many people can feel stuck and down after a breakup and that giving yourself time and space to grieve or recover is healthy. Self-judgement which can sound like “I’m so stupid for still missing him” or “I should be over it by now” can delay the process of acceptance and recovery and ultimately leave you ruminating the breakup further.
Ok, ok feel my feelings, what else is new. I actually really want to be done with this.
Best tips for breakup recovery:
1. Lean into community.
This means friends, family, neighbours, teammates and so on. Feeling seen in our experience and pain is a really important part of emotional processing. This means talk about it, tell your story. You might be surprised to learn something new from people who have shared similar experiences. You might feel soothed in knowing that despite how alone, crushed and hopeless you feel, other people have come out of the other side of this experience too.
2. Recognize that no reason will ever be good enough.
Because this pain feels so large, you will need to find a reason that feels just as large to justify it. However, it is not a 1 to 1 comparison. Our brains are really good at fixating on something and then justifying it. Desperately seeking “the real” reason is a perfect way to still focus on and think about the person you miss the most. But because you are not necessarily dreaming about them and instead solving the greatest mystery of your life, this seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to be doing. What you are doing though is feeding the addiction. Studies have shown that breakups can feel like withdrawal and similarly to an addict, you might find yourself obsessed with understanding the breakup or seeking closure. The only true closure you will receive from this breakup is the one you give yourself. Accept the fact that no longer being in this is reason enough for you to move on from it. If you are truly interested in understanding why relationships fail, you can consult my other article conveniently titled ‘Why does a relationship fail’.
3. Fill in the empty spaces.
Did you have routines with your previous partner? Perhaps you expected a good morning text every day or you watched movies together every Friday evening. Your partner likely occupied blocks of your day or week and those blocks are a perfect opportunity for you to build a new routine. This can be something that you do alone or do with a supportive person in your life. Try to pick something that brings you joy or makes you feel like you are loving yourself and committing to yourself. Bonus points if this involves getting out of your home and changing your environment. We tend to build associations with the environment around us and completely changing the physical space we are in, can help break some of those ties. This includes leaving the space more often or even doing some rearranging in your home.
4. Make a shit list.
That’s right, make a list with all the reasons that you are actually incompatible or why they were no good for you. Now this seems controversial for some people because you shouldn’t need to put people down to get over them. That’s true and I agree. It is not about putting them down however it is about understanding that they were just not for you and they were not as perfect as fallible memory had made them out to be. In fact, there was a lot about them that bugged you that you constantly ignored. Whatever those things were, write them down. When you are having a particularly hard time thinking about what you lost, pull it out and read it.
5. Stop contacting them, stop looking them up.
Even if you have hopes of being friends one day, you need the recovery period from the romantic attachment. If you truly want to move forward with your life to either enjoy your own company better or that of a new partner, you need time to let go of what was.
If you still find yourself struggling despite all the resources available online and have tried numerous things, know that there is never anything wrong with seeking help from a mental health professional to talk through it.
FAQ
Can breakups cause anxiety?
It is normal and not uncommon to experience anxiety after a breakup due to the loss of connection, the change of routine and the big unknown that lies ahead. To cope with anxiety try deep breathing techniques like box breathing (breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold for 4-7 seconds each) to calm down your nervous system. Take walks or find movement through an activity you enjoy. Movement helps reduce the muscle tension that is normally present with anxiety and also releases neurochemicals like serotonin which helps alleviate symptoms of anxiety.
Are first breakups the hardest?
First breakups can sometimes feel like the hardest because there is not much of a reference point. Romantic love requires that you show courage because there are no guarantees. Losing this for the first time can feel very shattering if you have yet to experience the loss of a deep and meaningful connection.
How to manage breakup without closure.
If you have been reading along so far, then you will know that there is no better closure than the closure you give yourself. Until you make up your mind that it is time for you to move forward, you will not feel any reason was really a good enough reason for the relationship to be over. Your mind will keep adjusting your memories to make this person seem like they were absolutely perfect for you to align with the emotional duress of the breakup and to justify it. It can therefore be only you that can find a good enough reason and closure for the relationship.
How to breakup with someone you love.
If you feel the need to breakup with someone that you still deeply respect and care about the best thing you can do is actually confront them. People have a tendency to want to spare someone more emotional damage or to not “be the bad guy” by not truly letting them know why they no longer want to be there. This will only cause that person to suffer more because they will feel like they never saw it coming and similarly to the previous question, they will keep looking for closure and struggle to move forwards. It is ok to change your mind, it is ok to fall out of love or to just want to pursue a different type of life or relationship. Be gentle with your current partner but do actually have a conversation with them and do not leave them holding on to you so you can have an option to look back on.
