How to survive Valentine’s Day as a couple
Valentine’s Day FEELS significant because it’s a great way to sell heart printed kitchen towels, candles, utensils, plates, pajamas, lipsticks, nail polishes, flowers, cards, chocolates, candies, socks, underwear, slippers, robes, hair clips, hair ties, body creams, soap, cookie cutters, whisks, blankets, pillows, bedsheets, erasers, pencil cases, gloves, hats, sweaters and I don’t think I’ve even scratched the surface.
But it is just a day. Some people look forward to it because they create community around this day. Meet their friends, carve out time with spouses or lovers and plan conversations around meals and activities. I personally think that’s beautiful and what makes humans human well. I love that aspect of holidays and would love to see more of it in my own life and reflected in my online communities. But I don’t think these moments that fill our lives with warmth need to be contained within the same calendar markers as marketing campaigns and product rollouts.
Most of us have received the messaging that Valentine’s Day is meant to be special and significant. While it’s origins may have since changed from honouring a martyr in the 8th century, first associated with love in the 15th century and first commercialized in the 19th century, today it is seen as a holiday that needs to be marked by spending and special commitments.
This messaging has created expectations. Expectations that you might personally disagree with and fight against or ones that you welcome with deep excitement. The key to navigating Valentine’s day and most holidays as a couple has little to do with understanding the history and development of the holiday itself and has everything to do with identifying expectations and managing the emotions that follow. You and your partner need to be honest with yourself and each other about expectations you have and if you want to do anything about them.
Start by checking in with yourself. Ask questions such as:
How do I want to feel on Valentine’s Day?
What role does my partner play into this?
Have I made my partner aware of the role I have assigned to them?
The biggest issue with big holidays is that we are told how to feel about it and what to want from commercials, movies, friends, work, neighbours, school and so on. The messaging can be direct such as “if he doesn’t buy you flowers, he is a lazy waste of space” or indirect, “Johnny bought Leslie a new iPhone packaged inside a bed of rose petals, what did your person do?” To be honest, to me it sounds like we have found every possible indirect way of measuring whether someone loves us that we have forgotten to actually ask them.
Which is exactly why I would encourage you to check in with yourself. Do you need the gift? Do you need the dinner reservation despite knowing you will be smushed in there like sardines? Because if the answer is still a resounding yes, that’s amazing! I am with you. Really. Just make sure to let your partner know! Tell them “this day is important to me and I want to feel special.” Or “I find this day meaningful and I would like for you to be invested in that with me.”
Valentine’s disasters or resentments in couples happen when both partners casually try to play it cool and one or both would still like to make something special out of the evening. If there is anything I want you to take away from this post it is this: don’t play it cool. It is not mysterious but confusing. If you yourself do not have big expectations on Valentine’s Day, make sure to check in with your person!
A little “hey honey, is it important to you to carve out some time together on Valentine’s”, can go such a long way. Also, some sweet treats never hurt anybody.
